A preggo gal in one of my Mommy Facebook groups recently posed a very important question to the experienced ladies: What should I pack in my bag for the hospital? I, too, asked this question in a similar forum when I was preparing for the arrival of my little dude. I’m pretty sure I also asked every mother I know, including my own, who thought it was insane that I was packing my husband. AKA, I made him stay in the hospital the entire time with me. (Ma: “Why do men need to be there? It’s not for them, it’s for you. Let him go home and sleep in peace for God’s sake. What’s wrong with your generation?” Me: “What do you mean? Did I make the baby by myself? You think I should have to sleep in a scary room in a scary place with this scary new tiny person that I have no idea what to do with? Are YOU gonna stay with me then?”). Anyway, I got a wide variety of responses, some helpful, some not. Shout out to my cousin G for the best piece of advice: “Don’t pack clothes, you’ll wear the hospital gown the entire time.” Well, I DID pack clothes, I think 3 changes of clothes, and I DID NOT wear anything except for the gown the entire time, because WHO THE HELL WANTS TO PUT CLOTHES ON WHEN YOU SMELL LIKE A ROTTING CORPSE AND YOU’RE LEAKING ACTUAL POUNDS OF GOD-KNOWS-WHAT FROM YOU-KNOW-WHERE!?! I also brought make-up (in hindsight, Laughing My Ass Off). So, I feel that it’s my responsibility to help others avoid making the same mistakes I did, and I’m adding my two cents on this subject while the whole experience is still fresh in my Mommy Brain. Also I’m posting this for my preggo girlfriends; I don’t want to have to repeat myself when your Preggo Brains ask me more than once (I definitely asked multiple people this question multiple times).
THINGS TO PACK IN YOUR HOSPITAL BAG
1. Deodorant. Do yourself, your new human, and everyone who will be visiting you a favor and Amex that shit (don’t leave home without it).
2. Toothpaste and toothbrush (see #1).
3. A blindfold. Wear it every time you go to the bathroom so you don’t accidentally see yourself in the mirror. Make your baby daddy wear it the rest of the time if you ever want him to have sex with you again.
4. Phone charger. You will die if you can’t charge your phone. Must have contact with the outside world.
5. An alarm clock. Just kidding. Between visitors, nurses, lactation consultants, the birth certificate Nazis, people trying to sell you ridiculous shit (“Are you sure you don’t want commemorative porcelain booties engraved with your kid’s name for $377?”), the cleaning crew, the food crew (ohhh here comes #6), and a rabbi who will wish you “only good things” every single day, there will literally be 1,687 people in your room at all hours of the day and night. No need for a wake-up call!
6. Food. I know you can’t really pack it in your bag, but you should make people bring you real food from the real world. It will make you very happy.
(Me in my hospital gown eating a turkey sub brought by my sister. Best Sandwich of My Life)
7. Wine or champagne. Have a glass or two with your baby daddy on the night after your baby gets here. It’s a big day and you need to celebrate! (Anything harder and you can add the social worker to the list in #5.)
8. A nursing pillow (boppy, my breast friend, whatever. Do you want your newborn getting a staph infection from a skeevots hospital pillow? Didn’t think so).
9. Flip flops or slippers (your pretty pedi-ed feet + skeevots hospital floors = no no).
10. Your balls. As in, “Hey, thanks for the call/text/random pop-in-that-I-wasn’t-expecting, but I am EXHAUSTED, and I’m trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and I look like a monster, and I’m trying to have that brand new bonding thing happen with my baby and his father, and I REALLY don’t want a 27th visitor today, but I can’t wait for you to come see us when we get home (after like 4 weeks).”
11. An extra bag. Your 26 visitors per day are going to bring you tons of crap that you have to then bring home, and where the hell are you supposed to put it?
12. One of those things from Men in Black that will erase from your brain everything that just happened (if you want to have more kids).